Quotations

Edd: Do you know where I can buy a toothbrush around here?
Shopkeeper: Yes, right here. Are you over 18?
Edd: ..... er ... yes
Shopkeeper: That'll be 39p then.

Superted: About that man you fancied in Bath ...
Ryan: That was a woman, I swear!

It wasn't my fault; he was in my bed

Ryan on bed sharing with James

Edd: ... its penis would tear you apart
Sally: Yeah, but you'd die satisfied

later

Sally: ... and you'd be sure to feel something

Sally on why she would prefer to mate with a polar bear and not the 'gay' male birds were she an arctic bird.

I've got to get back to my anal and rectal surgery
Kayleigh

You can tell when you're clutching at straws when you use your head for friction.

Mike on Edd's (successful) mud climbing manoeuvre

I don't want to see any more boobies!
Superted

I organised a dinner a short while ago. I had chicken as the vegetarian option.
Ed Moss

Edd, lie on top of me
Tree

They've painted the hut walls! I'm going to be overstimulated tonight.
Ryan

Spain is Spanish

Edd trying to sound intelligent

Andy is pretty shit at pulling

Fay

I'm getting it here, I'm getting it there

Nat

I love Italian stallions

Superted

Stop bitting my nipples Tree that is twice in a month!

Edd

Watch that Goliath in your groin!

Paul To Andy

I would like to see this Goliath

Deb's response

for the last week and a half it was just sausage constantly -Mike

time for some fun with some felt tip pens - Geoff

gonorrhea is fun - ryan

i need to buy one of those - James looking wistfully at an inflatable sheep

ummmm sperm - Ryan

Its ok my external arse is not wet
Ryan

I poked her til she squ[ealed]
Edd's brother on Tree

He put it in my face so I bit it
Tree's explaination for biting Edd's breast

I saw him and couldn't look at his face
Tree about Edd's brother

give it a yank, that helps

ryan

Tackle bags; they are like children you can abuse

Ryan

I want to promote caving amongst the youngsters by promoting youngsters

Stan on his engagement

I had a dream about a shrew. It was the size of a cat ... [a minute later] I had a dream about a shrew. It was the size of a badger.
Stan

I remember big banging
Stan on his New Year's Eve

Random to Rob; Thats the sink!.. Oh you're washing your hands.

I've found phone and tele, but i can't make it into a word.

Mike (watching word games on tv)

Edd, you sausaged me this morning.
Jon S

Ah, rape party; that sounds like my kind of party.
Ryan

She was 60 but I'd still have her
Jon S

And I was giving it all this [dancing move] and I said "I'm going to put it in you"
Jon S

Right, well, things have progressed - I've pulled but I've got a stiff one so I need my jeans back.
Jon S

Can vegetarians eat pig fat?
Jon S

Jon S: Do you want to get naked?
Girl: No, that's tomorrow night
Jon S: Oh, I'm a Fresher, I don't know these things

Do you still want me to milk you?
Jon S to James

Pluto, the Greek philosopher
James

Your nipple looks like an open wound
Tree to Edd

pip : i'm wearing tights under my jeans.

james : i wish i could get away with that.

Stan: It's not always rape
Edd: They're asleep!

I am quite a hot person now.

Lou (she may have to explain)

Edd: Don't knock it til u've tried it, its actually quite pleasant.

Christian: What having anal sex with you?

I've taken you in every entrance.

Christian to Fay

oh my god, i cant get Jon out of my mind.

Fay

school kids, trousers down

james

Oh, very cute

Pete Talling to Edd

Kayleigh to Ryan : I thought you only had eyes for James, now u've got Edd spreading his legs.

Edd: Can i have a tissue.

I am a foam monster!
James (On emerging from an exceptionally foamy sump 1)

we need a big vibrator then the water would go up hill

Edd

cannabilism isn't that immoral.
Andy Brown

Frank to Charlie : Have you heard the deffinition of space docking?

I have never proposed to someone in a same sex relationship.

Superted

I know i'm not Ryan, but hold that, hold it tight.

Superted standing in front of James

there are all sorts of uses for tampons.

Ed m

Is it cos your a virgin or are the girls you've done it with just skanky horrible.

Amy

A bit of both

Alex

This is better than sex.

Alex dabbing a wet cloth on his hand

to get the proper hallucination you need to feed it to them then drink their urine.

Rob on shrooms

if you go in the wrong hole its horrible

fay

You're not a big sausage man, are you?

Morven to Jon

If somethings hard, give up.

Superted (really at that point??)

I'm sure i could knock up a few brownies in a couple of hours.

Edd (and he claims he's not a paedophile)

We're Irish, we knee-cap them; that's what we do

Ryan on women

It's ok if they're ugly, they might not get anyone later in life, so i'm doing them a favour.

frank on paedophilia

To tell the truth, i'm still full of tripe.

Clive

you don't need clothes or a big towel, it's the thought that counts.

Edd

I've got a soft spot for Roger.
(A few seconds pass)
It's better than a hard spot.

Si Flower

If u get him drunk enough he wont remember anything

unknown (again probably Kayleigh or Tree)

Phone sex is not allowed, i will save that for later

unknown (probably kayleigh or tree)

14 inches long. thats how long my hole is.

Fay

I'm going to sit there naked, with a protractor doing maths.

rob

What? I look lovely in a dress.

Edd

where are you sleeping tonight?

Superted to Edd

where's tree? when can we have tit cake?

Edd

I'm not sticking my hand down there, sorry.

Tree to James

James entered my fudge tunnel (unknown probably Ryan)

that's tender - christian

Like Ryans arse - James

Frank, please no. you know how i feel about porn after seeing my mothers.

Debs (after watching rude britania was suggested)

Given a while you could come round to the idea and quite enjoy animal bum sex.

Frank

I've returned the milk to its origins.

Jon (after putting a carton of milk down in a rather large cow pat).

I have a pole sticking in my arse.

Steve

we should go on mount stan

tree

Are we going togo dwn n stan in a minute

Fay

I'm not putting anything horrible in my mouth

Tree

I'm now thinking of foreskin

Sally

Its like milking a cow upside down

Tree

Virgil's entertaining himself over there

Tree

I did not smack you in the bollocks, they're not that big - Tree to James (- they are now - Virgil)

I been going up and down all day, actually I been going down mostly

James

Hand action always counts

James to Ryan

Why's that big turkey sitting on top of the little one

Tree

I thought that it was keeping it warm, I was really confused it was a hot day

Tree after explanation

I get excited by animals

Edd

Can we go somewhere private and I'll press you against a wall

Fay to Kayleigh

Lets be nice and gentle with each other

Fay to Sally

I'm a cave restorer

Edd after breaking a stal

You are not allowed to touch competitors

Ryan to James in a drinking game

Fay do you want me to jump on you

Ryan to Fay in the water

Sally has a particularly fine arse and I could stare at it all day

Kayleigh

"Think 4skin" Fay

If you will stick in my face of course I am going to grab it

Tree

Carbide smells like farts - virgil
I quite like the smell of carbide James

Tree's breasts are her own

Virgil shortly after announcing that they were team property

"lies I can take it, I'm happy" Tree written after the statement TREE IS SOBER

You guys all think I'm drunk and I'm soooooooo not

Tree

I am scared of 6 inches

Tree

Christian nailed me after freshers weekend

James

My sausage just dropped off

Ryan

No, your no munching my sausage Edd

Ryan

Fay, you're not getting any sausage tonight

Edd

James sleep with your mouth open tonight

Ryan after playing with fire

The voice in my head has no accent

Ryan

I need to have some bit of ruff to make it feel like a caving trip

Unknown

it was a large flat area

james - on groping trees chest

i'm not big really

Ryan

Linda: "Bill's definitely the hot, young doctor"
Steve: "He's not a doctor"

You'd think when you phone up to say you're deaf then they might come to the conclusion that you are a bit
deaf!!

sally via email

i'm a jammer whore

tree

caving is like one big hug from the earth.

Jamie

it's not rape if Barry White is playing.

superted when discussing gay rape with Edd

Kayleigh's (written) pub quiz answer:

Q. In which state was Abraham Lincoln buried?
A. Vaginia.

ryan get your leg over

jon

Wells is just like Venice

Sally

Ben, i can't get it up. I can't get it in, it's too tight.
James

come on sally spread your legs.
Edd

I go for whatever's around

Anna (Tree's Housemate)

I'll grab anything that's available.

Kayleigh

Im a man's man

superted

There is a really good bush on whiteladies.

James

It's ok, naked's my forte

edd

They stretched me, poked me, took my clothes off, then stretched me again.

Tree

We're over here!"

Charlotte Lee

(She will need to explain the precise circumstances herself.)

I'll ram him through
- James on Alex

trousers are like a treat

edd

Which hole are we aiming for?
Char Lee

I'll try and slide it in and out both ways!
Steve Cottle

I still have a good appettite for an older man.
Steve Perry

!"£$%^^&
Jane Perry

Remember Jane, it's not just yourself you're letting down; it's the whole family.
Steve Perry

Jon: Is this guest a boy or a girl?
Stan: Both

they're pretty damn good nuts

ben to jon

hey i'm wearing a top for a skirt, pull my knickers up.
sally

Women often like spreading their legs
- Kayleigh

The head says yes but little rob says no

superted on why it wouldnt work with rob d

I nearly pummelled my chappy
- Edd after negotiating a rock in a squeeze

Do lesbians climb inside each other?
Superted

Last night I dreamt I was being shagged from behind by a dog.

It was a bit like a St. Bernard.

Simon Lee

It's like a massage parlour but for men
ed - on tatoo parlours (i don't know who he thinks massage parlours are aimed at)

Look at that man's face! What's happened to him?
- Edd rather loudly about a man with blood pouring down his face while skipping with Tree to the Grecian

Jareck (Stan's mate): So if I go naked, I go through?
Stan: Is that a promise?

It's like riding the elephant.
Stan on Edd giving him a piggyback.

I'll have to work on his buttocks.
Tree

I've been touching bats in places.
Stan

That's the best thing about Massagesoc: lots of free balls.
Kayleigh

I no longer see her as an opportunity
stan

Don't spell it just swallow it.
Unknown (possibly James)

I was going to be called Faith until i was a girl.
Superted (think he's trying to tell us something?)

being without the gossip is like being naked

stan (really is it that bad??)

I would rather be fined than hyperdermic

stan (lost in translation i think)

oh i still have a pair of your underpants, i offered them to morven as a balaklava.

jon to james

tonight i think i will rub myself
stan

Don't put that between my legs it's really cold and wet.
James (the mole) MacFarlane

Im just trying to tickle my clittle.
Sally

It's the thing about to explode between your legs.
Andrew A to a bloke from Manchester

When I get old or infirm I'd quite like to be killed by being torn to pieces by wolves. That'd be dignified. - Fay Hewitt

I have myself my very small caving towel as used to expose myself to small children with

Edd

They contain butter or something

Tree talking about butter biscuits

I wouldn't mind being an air hostess

Ryan

Are there many caves down here

Fay

I'm not sure I can reverse that!

Dr Boycott on numerous occasions having just done a squeeze or a climb.

Si was heard to say:
"I've had my balls in Charlie's face and he loved it"
shortly before declaring that he wanted to have "head wars".

However, apparently both comments referred to festive headgear and were therefore the result of donning extra clothing rather than the reverse, much to the relief of all those present.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to crash"

Jon Telling, seconds before leaving a lasting impression on a nearby car.

"Ken shot his bolt on the chips earlier"
Kirsten

"So, if it ends up all over everybody, are we meant to lick it off?"

Kirsten (getting excited about what can be achieved with a Christmas cracker spinning top and some brandy butter).

'he had soft lucious lips'

Superted on pulling Rob at CHECC

This short conversation between a rather inebriated Fay Hewitt and some unknown but unlucky soul was overheard at Bonfire weekend:

Fay: "Are you happy?"
Unlucky soul: "Ummm, yeah."
Fay: "You won't be when I puke in your lap."
Unlucky soul: "..........."

“I’ve already been down on my hands and knees twice for you today.”

Caver 1: “I can’t spread my legs.”
Caver 2: “That’s unusual!”

“My new sleeping bag has built in salad cream stains.”

“Just put it in your mouth and suck it – you don’t have to bite it……you don’t have to swallow either.”

Fresher: “Take me…(pause)…that’s in.”

“I remember the first time I went commando in the Hunter’s.”

“….then it broke but she didn’t even notice when she slipped onto my six inch length.”

Bill Miners to Sharon Pilkington. “I’m wedged underneath you. Slide your body over my helmet!”

Caver 1:”Isn’t that porn?”
Caver 2: “Yeah but the music’s rather good.”

The following three were apparently uttered by Bill Miners:

Whilst trying to see if it was worth climbing a steep hill to look from the top, Bill asks a Frenchman "Vous avez une bonne visage?" (You have a nice face?)

On inquiring of a German girl whether they she had had a good caving trip, Bill asks: "Haben sie ein gutte holle?"

After turning the light by his bed on in the middle of the night, Bill apologised in the morning with the following excuse: "Sorry but I was pillow munching and the pillow turned the light on."

Upon being chased by a sheep while walking back to the car, having failed to find Lower Longchurn, Si Flower was heard to utter "She's quite cute" before giving chase to the terrified animal.